Who wants to live forever
by Steeljren-Dag
Summary: JCS Songfic Judas reflects on the past and Jesus during John 19:41


Hi there. This is my first (and up to now only) english and JCS fanfic here.  
Nothing new really, just reposting it into the right catagory.

JCS still belongs to Andrew Loyd Webber, "Who wants to live forever" was sung by Queen (finally fixed that one ;) ).

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Who wants to live forever

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Everytime I look at you I don't understand, why you let the things you did get so out of hand 

It is true, Jesus, I cannot seem to understand why you changed the course we were going. Why YOU changed. You really do believe you are a messiah, the son of God. I can see it in your eyes, even now that they are clouded with pain.

"Father, into your hands ... I commend ... my spirit!"

I close my eyes when I hear these words coming from you, unable to bear it anymore. The whole thing had started out so innocently, curing the sick, bringing hope to the poor.

When did it change? When did our trying turn into this ... I cannot think of a proper word. Catastrophe perhaps, disaster ... tragedy.

I can barely see through my own tears as they take your lifeless body from the cross.

Mary is with you now. I wonder if you would know. If you can see her just like I am here to see you now.

Why shouldn't you? Why shouldn't you come back the same way I did? I shake my head, bewildered and lost. How can God be this cynical, to watch you die, whereas I am not allowed to?

I sink on my knees next to you. The disciples have scattered, some of them sitting nearby to mourn on there own, others gone altogether. Only Mary is left, now cradling your head in her arms. It sends yet another wave of guilt and pain through me, adding to the hollow ache inside my whole body. I would gladly give my own life in change of yours.

Who wants to live forever?

I cannot go on. I cannot bear the thought of leaving you behind and turn away, pretending nothing of this has ever happened.

You were special to me. More than I ever was ready to admit. Now I wonder why. We both knew of this bond we shared ever since we first met.

Silent tears run down my cheeks as I remember the time that has been ended so abruptly, so unexpectedly. But was it?

There is no time for us,

There is no place for us

I silently watch as Mary strokes your hair and whispers soothing words into your ear. It is hard to imagine that you cannot hear them. There is an expression of calm and peace in your face, that I haven't seen there in almost three years. It makes me reach out to gently touch your face but I stop as Mary suddenly stiffens. I am to absorbed in my thoughts to really care what has startled her. Most likely one of the apostles. I have to fight to resist the urge to just push her away and hold you close to me. You wouldn't want me to.

What we had shared went far beyond friendship, beyond mutual admiration. Perhaps even beyond everything we ever dared to admit.

I wish I could tell you now. Tell you that you were the most important person in my life. Now that it doesn't seem to matter how the others would have reacted. Now that it doesn't seem to matter if they would have understood.

Now that it is too late.

There is no chance for us,

it's all decided for us

It was inevitable. We never could have lived on like this, no matter how much we both wished. Or so at least I keep telling myself.

I wasn't exactly jealous of Mary or anyone else. It has never been physical closeness we longed for, but something deeper that seemed much more important. Something that belonged to us alone and yet we never could have shared it. Not in the way it was supposed to be shared.

This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us.

Mary lets go of your body and when I see you lying there on the cold stone, I finally loose all of my hard won self control. I drop to the ground next to you, holding you as close as I possibly can, drowning my sobs in your shoulder.

But touch my tears with your lips,

touch my world with your fingertips

I can feel something dragging me away from you, but I don't want to let go. If I do, I would never see you again, never be able to hold you again. I hold on to you as I did that day in the gardens, when they came to take you. Because of me. And now you are lying in my arms ... dead ... because of me. Just like than I hold you with all the strength I've left. Hoping beyond hope, that I can stop you from leaving me altogether.

And we can have forever,

And we can love forever

But just as that day I'm dragged away from you. I look up to see Peter standing above me, clearly considering, what to do with the sobbing mess at his feet, that is me. Not that there would be much of a choice to make, after what I've done.

Mary is kneeling next to him, one hand entwined with Jesus', the other placed calmingly on Peters hip. I can see something dawning in her eyes, something very close to understanding.

Who dares to love forever?

When love must die...

I can see her leaning forward, pulling me into a soothing embrace, but my insides are numb from the pain and I cannot pull together enough to return it. Instead I let myself sink into her arms, as I watch Peter carefully gathering up your body.

Who wants to live forever?

Who wants to live forever?

Perhaps there would have been a chance for us. I know you believed in it. I did not. I acted to save you, to spare you the pain of loosing yourself altogether, like I feel it now.

I thought you had lost your way, that what you taught us was wrong.

But I understand now that, if you knew it or not, you taught me one of the most important lessons in my life. A lesson I will remember, no matter what will happen to me, or if I will be able to go on.

Love, of every kind, can never be wrong.

I understand this now.

And her eyes tell me, that Mary does, too.


End file.
